Someone you judged on first impression.

24th June 2010

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Someone you judged on first impression.

Dear you,

I watch people almost relentlessly where ever I go. It should be disconcerting, it is a little, how I figure out lives at a glance and I am sure, so sure, that I know what is going on with someone.
It doesn’t matter where I am; people at work are artsy and insecure in their black shoes and smart buns; wealthy suburban mums are throwing their energy into organic food and dairy imitations and yoga classes to distract them from their pure terror at the plainness of their lives; sad young men have learned how it is vital to hide their heavy thoughts and pretend they don’t give a fuck when really, it’s killing them inside.

It is simple enough, and I am certain of my findings, but every now and then when I do this I experience an unsettling connection. Usually its eye contact; and I look away, and they look away, and we both know that we are the same, watchers; that we are assessing each other, and that sits as a pit in my stomach. We often offer each other difficult smiles hiding fear and mistrust and suddenly, I will be so aware of myself and I will feel small and vulnerable and uneasy, and I will move off, and I will assume they feel the same way, and I will struggle with the fact that there are people who feel they know me just at a glance.

Hypocritical, isn’t it?

But then, I saw you. You had the most beautiful face, but your eyes, were the saddest I’ve seen. You were tired and weary, the kind of tired that doesn’t go away from getting to bed a little earlier. I didn’t know your name or your story, but I knew how you felt. And I realised in clarity that flashed for a moment, maybe two, that I just met my match.

So I did what I always do; I sat back and picked at the layers, looking for secrets, looking for a change in the texture of interaction, looking for subtlety. Maybe I wouldn’t find anything. Maybe I’d recognise vulnerability and stop looking, afraid to violate privacy.
But I didn’t. I listened carefully enough to find that your heart’s beat was a little different; it had developed a sad murmur.

For that one moment we locked eyes, nothing mattered. We’re looking curiously into each other’s eyes, wondering what could be, what should be, but what won’t be. And for that split-second, I felt safe in an unsafe world. You were just like me, although neither of us would ever admit it. Why else do you think this letter’s anonymous?

You have no idea how lucky you are.
You are not too weak. You are not too young. You are not too poor. You are not too sick. You are not any of the things that stop you from doing what must be done. You are right here. You, are just right.

Yeah, I judged you, you know why?
You reminded me of myself, and that scared me.

Love,

xxx