The one that broke your heart the most

13th June 2010

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The one that broke your heart the most

Dear Reece,

Most days, I don’t think of you. I go through the day unaware of your existence in the universe, filling the familiar aches with books and loud music and jogs and new faces. My brain is smart and tries to fool me for a while. For a minute, it almost seems as if you never happened at all, until the tiniest thing sets me off. Memory is a cruel thing and sharpest when it needs not be.
Even as I sit here writing, I can feel my heart sinking a little further, as I reminisce with nostalgia over years of memories. My head pounds. My heart throbs. And my eyes are crying for yours.

“Everything that comes out of his mouth makes perfect sense. He will tell it how it is, and I don’t think he cares if it’s not what you want to hear. I know his past, he knows mine. He knows me so well, he knows me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what to say, exactly how to act, and he knows exactly how I feel. About everything. He tells me my own feelings and outlook on certain situations. And he’s right. Word for word. He is the one person I have no secrets from. His name is Reece Bacon, he is my best friend, and nothing will ever change that.”
I wrote the above in March 2009.

I miss this, and I miss you.
I can’t finish a sentence without closing my eyes to hold back the tears, while the flashbacks take over.
I still remember the look on your face, every time you walked through the arrivals gate. I’d jump on you. You’d catch me.
Drinking jelly shots at 9am, all the walks to the beach, all the talks we had, trying to figure the world out. I’ve never had someone call me every day, just to see how my day is.
We lived an hour’s drive from each other. I remember the time you surprised me on my break at work. You’d lost your licence; you drove illegally all that way, just to spend thirty minutes with me, because I was having a bad day.

Remember the time I came with you to court? That was the day we got those shells. I still have mine stuck on my bedroom door. There are still bits of you everywhere around my room.
You were there at times when I needed you the most, without me saying anything. You supported me immensely through every court trial, every police interview, and every hospital visit. You were there for me, when no one else was.

The time I pretended to fall asleep to see what you would do. You pulled the blanket over me and kissed me on my forehead. I’ve never been so warm in my life.
We saw each other be, or at least think, we were in love with other people. But as those relationships faded away, you were always the one that stuck around. I want to thank you for that, even now. I never wanted to lose you from my life.

Remember all the drunken adventures we had? The times we’d camp out in my car at the Zig Zag? Remember the quarry we found? I still go there all the time. It’s my solitude. I sit on the edge of the cliffs, even though I know you wouldn’t approve. I look out at the lights, and know you’re out there somewhere. I wonder how you are, if you’re happy, if you’re doing all the things you dreamed of. I know you will. You can do anything, I never stopped believing that.

Remember the time I shot you in the ass with a paintball gun? That’s how my heart felt, for a long time. Now there’s just a hole inside me.

As I said, you were my best friend. And you walked away from that in a night.
Do you remember how you felt when you knocked on my door the next morning?
I wouldn’t let you inside. We walked to the beach, the same one we’d ventured so many times before, but I knew, this time it was different. This wasn’t going to happen again. I gave you that letter. You looked at me with alien eyes and waited for me to say what you wanted to hear. I didn’t. I told you the truth.
Like air bubbles trapped in cement, the decisions we make in a moment can haunt us for the rest of our lives.
I will never forget you.

Love always,
your best friend,