This is long, but read it.

18th May 2010

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This is long, but read it.

Tonight I came across something I wrote nearly two years ago.
Until now, this is something I have kept to myself.
Publishing the whole thing would get me into trouble, so I’ll compromise with an extract.

“No, I can’t make you understand, because this is ineffable. I don’t get it myself.
Maybe if you’d never missed your plane that day things would be different.
But second guessing and “what ifs” are becoming old.
As are you and I.

Want to know the definition of ironic?
You used to give me butterflies,
now the thought of you makes my stomach sink a little.

We have enough history to write a book, yet what have I got to show for it?
Pages of scribble and a bunch of memories.
So I’m putting all our pictures in these broken frames to remind me never to fall in love again.”

One line stuck out to me.
This won’t make sense to the vast majority of you,
maybe one or two.
But this has been on my mind all night now, and I know I won’t rest until I release it in some way.
So, here we go,
here goes nothing.
Maybe if you’d never missed your plane that day things would be different.

I then came across a series of old emails I sent to an old friend. Again, I’ll save myself the trouble and stick to some extracts.

“Let him go. Cut off all communication with him, let him miss you. Only then will he understand how amazing you really are. They can’t miss you if you don’t go away. You know yourself you deserve better than him, so why bother? Don’t stay with something because its habit, because it seems to be embedded in your brain. What is it that you really want?

Of course the answer is obvious, it’s what we all want. To be happy. We only differ in how we act to achieve this, by what makes us happy.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. We chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues us. The irony is that the only place we ever needed to search was within. I know that when I look within I see the people who really matter to me, first and foremost, you.

If you do as you’ve always done, things will not change. Even if you do manage to win the lottery a year from now, you won’t be as happy as you think. It’s like boiling a frog. Put it near a jar of boiling water, and of course it won’t enter. But if the frog is already in the jar and you gradually increase the water temperature, the frog will just keep adapting and adapting until it boils.
We can quickly adapt to new life situations and it’s only when you’re out of them that you can see these experiences as they really are. In simple terms, when it all gets too much, you can only adjust.”

“I wish we could write a book. Perhaps you could. But not I. I’d like to think I’m full of knowledge and wisdom, but reality is, I know nothing. We’re constantly learning. There’s so much out there still to see, I’m nothing but an amateur.

Do you ever think its knowledge that makes us unhappy?
We always want more, because we think what we have isn’t enough. And we can never really be satisfied because of this knowledge that there is more out there. Do you think ancient cultures and tribes suffered depression as intensely as our western society does?
Our plague isn’t famine, war or disease. It is loneliness.
Which do you think is really the worst. Surely having basic needs, or our human rights not being respected is far more important. So why do we make such a deal over having a shitty day? Or not having the latest whatever it is?
Look at what we’re doing to ourselves, there’s no one else to blame. It’s like this disease that doctors cannot treat. We contract it on the day we accept that all we see is a mirror and a mirror is all it can be; a reflection of something we are missing.

“The human will never be able to win against itself.”
Fucking oath love, I’ll drink to that.
All good things coming to an end is true, but there will always be something else out there. Another door to open, even if we sometimes spend too long looking at the closed one.

Anyway I’m off now to be a hypocrite and get so drunk tonight that I lose all these brain cells I worked so hard at educating.
I love you and miss you dearly.”

It’s like looking into a crystal ball and seeing everything with clarity.
If you hadn’t missed your plane that day,
sure things would be different,
life as I know it wouldn’t exist.
But like you once told me,
If I could go back in time,
I would, without fail,
only to live it all over again.