It’s hard to sleep with the drip pumping, medication stinging, pain everywhere and someone snoring down the hall.
It’s my fourth day in hospital. We still have no certainties what’s wrong with me.
I turn twenty today.
But I’m still alive and kicking. So are you. Don’t forget that.
To the one who made me who I am today,
I’ve been writing this to you for four long years. This is the story of the first and only time I fell in love. I just move my lips and tongue and breathe and the sounds are made. But still, I do not say “I love you” easily.
It’s been months since we’ve had real conversation. It’s been longer since that night. The night that you weren’t you, and I wasn’t me either. The love turned to hate, or so it seems.
I don’t know why I can’t get you out or my head after all this time. Harmless flirting that went too far.
I never met you, but I knew all your secrets. You’d spill them late at night across the wires, across the earth, from your house to mine. I didn’t know what you sounded like, but I knew what you’d say. And I didn’t even know what you looked like. But I knew how you felt. “You’ve never had a boyfriend? I don’t know why, I’d kill to be your boyfriend. Maybe I will.” You know how to make girls fall in love with you. You use the same well rehearsed lines, and it pulls people in. That’s the one that got me.
When I said those harsh words that night, I was out of line. I never meant any hurt or disrespect to you, I never meant any disrespect to your mum. I acted the way I did because I was hurting and I am sorry. I’ve never regretted anything more in a really long time, never been more ashamed of myself, never been more out or line, or character.
Please, let me explain.
You always said you were okay. You said you were fine. You smiled. Or at least your mouth did. I knew you were lying; trying to be strong. That far away look you got in your eyes. The way you held me as if every time might be your last.
You’ve been through more than most people could ever imagine. That one time we were walking home from the pub, you were sad and drunk because of your mum, I really thought we should have talked about it more. I could see something was bugging you, and you wanted to scream it to the world but you couldn’t, because it hurt so much to get through your throat. Sure, you gave me half the story about why you were sad, but I could tell that wasn’t all there was to it. I think you thought I didn’t really “get” you that day. I want you to know that I did.
I’m really sorry, seriously, for letting you think I didn’t know for so long. And I’m sorry for letting my emotion out the wrong way that night, and causing you more pain. Even while writing this letter, my heads scattered, I’m sorry my words are coming out the wrong way.
This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written.
I’m sorry for acting like you didn’t matter to me sometimes, both when we were together, and in more recent times. I did it because I was scared too. I knew how you felt, even if sometimes you didn’t show it. I know why now, and I understand. I wish I could’ve done more for you. I wish I could take back my anger and insecurity, and we could have spoken about how we felt, instead of leaving so much left unsaid for too long. When we were at our best, you made me the most euphoric I’ve been in my life. But, when things got bad, I’ve never felt more pain.
I’m good at telling people what they want to hear. I’m not telling you what you want to hear, I’m telling you the truth.
When people become as close as we were, they grow together, you became a part of me. So when you lose them, you lose apart of yourself.
You’ve been through that before. And I think, deep down, you’re scared too. It’s the reason girls first fall in love with you, it’s also why you’re always the one to end it. A “Leave you before you leave me” way of thinking. It leaves you in control, you get the chance to actually say goodbye, it leaves you hurting a little less; something you never got with her. And when you have that female attention, I think it’s subconsciously a way for someone to mother you. I think you’re afraid of the pain of losing someone like you lost her, which is why you seem to first make a girl fall, then break her heart.
I want you to know that you will never lose me. Even if I have already lost you. I will always be here for you, even if you’re never there. And *****, I will always love you, even if you never did.
You know I never say those three words, and tonight I’m biting my tongue till it bleeds, I love you.
This is another piece of the puzzle: 30 Day Letter Challenge. Day twenty nine.
Written: September 2009
Read: March 2010
Published: April 2011
1. Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
2. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
3. My mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.
4. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Erase the fucking line.