People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. I beg to differ. It isn’t always that easy.
There is no cure, no acceptance, no understanding, and no answer. Textbooks can only tell you so much, and unless you have lived it, it is near impossible to judge from the outside. It is suffering; self-inflicted; self-hatred bundled up with an enormous amount of emotional energy. That small explanation is just the tip of the iceberg in trying to explain.
And even then, this isn’t something I’ve lived through, this is your story.
What I do know, is how tiring it is trying to show people from the outside that you are suffering, almost as tiring as it is pretending you aren’t. At times the exhaustion is overwhelming, giving up and giving in are more attractive than the one thing you’re slowly learning; growing stronger. How can you explain that your mind is an enemy and a best friend to yourself? There is no rationality in the behavior, and no rationality in the mind.
There are too many questions, and not enough answers. If you don’t control the need, it will control you. You don’t know if the worlds spinning around you, or if it’s spinning inside your head. Time slows down. Hours become seconds, and seconds become hours. Thoughts are consuming your mind, everything’s going too fast, it’s as if your body is stoned while your minds ticking a thousand miles an hour. The one thing that’s killing you, is the thing that’s keeping you alive. Just like chemo.
“I need some time to find myself, be myself. But I can’t allow myself to be by myself.”
Autumn is here. But the leaves aren’t falling. They’re landing. Maybe that’s how we should all approach love. Don’t be afraid of falling. Jump. With every intent to land straight on your feet.
I’ve been busy lately. Working hard and partying harder. I’m back to working four jobs again. In less than a week I’m becoming an aunt! I updated my bucket list tonight. This year already I’ve crossed off another four. (13, 26, 104, 178) A while ago, I mentioned a plan I conquered for myself, for the next few years. It goes something along the lines of this:
2010 August/September: Europe 2011 February: Thailand September/October: Africa 2012 January/February: India/Nepal September-January: South America/Antarctica 2013 Start University? Move to Europe? Backpack around Australia?
Of course there’s no guarantee on anything. But still, I live each day like it’s my last. Cause one day it will be.
Please remove that knife from my back. Prove to me you’re different, admit you’re just like the rest. The scars still here. A constant reminder of what you did. Go on, pretending it matters. Your hunger can be satisfied for the night. Yes, he wants you. Read the fineprint. It screams out tonight only. In the morning you’ll go your seperate ways, denying how degrading and shameful it all was.
You’re smarter than that. You know it’s doing nothing to help you. The excact reason why you did it. Don’t worry, I understand. I used to be self destructive too. The jealousy game’s something we all do. Revenge feels so good at the time, and that justifies it in our minds as it happens. But for fucks sake girl, wake up, it’s changed nothing. The damage has already been done. And now the only thing you can do to make it all better, is to make it all not true,
because that knife you backstabbed me with, has left it’s mark.
One of my oldest pieces, written on the 17th of December 2008. Click here to see the original.
P.S. Truth is born in strange places. I was planning on this being something worth mentioning. Now, I would whisper every rude word I know in your ear. Fuck you. It still hurts.
I saw my best friend last night. For the first time in a month. We went through predictions we wrote down about the past year. “Kat still be single – Not seeing *Victor.” “Jess still be with *Thomas – madly in love.” Both are not only wrong, but the complete opposite result from those that we predicted. It’s funny, as in it’s actually not that funny, looking back in hindsight, with the perspective we have now. Even from six months, when those thoughts were collected by pen and paper, we’ve grown up and become different people.
My ex boyfriend told me he loved me after two weeks. It was the main reason I broke up with him, three weeks later. To the outside world, we were the perfect couple, but behind closed doors, I knew it wasn’t right. I felt controlled, his intentions pulled my hands behind my back, I was his shiny toy and my role in his life was to smile and nod. I realised all this the night he first came over, and read all the writing on my wall. Looking over at me, with that expression, that arrogant, straight look I despise, he said, “I don’t understand your writing.” Then there was the time he told me he didn’t care about my past, what mattered was the me and him were together here and now, and that was all that mattered because I made him happy. He must have drained my happiness out of me, only to suck it in for himself, because all I felt was drained and restricted. I hated it. The five weeks I haven’t been living in this world single and content, I didn’t feel connection, I didn’t feel attached, heck I didn’t even feel emotion. It had a counter effect, and I realise I’m better off alone. For now anyway.
Lately, the question running through my head, again and again, is reason and excuses of infidelity, and if it’s even worth taking the risk, when more often than not, we end up breaking each other’s hearts inevitably.
I had this friend, we were close towards the end of high school. She’d had her heart broken by a boy before I met her. He cheated on his girlfriend with her, broke up with his misses, got together with her, cheated on her, and was now with girlfriend number three. This is where the story gets interesting. Towards the end of our friendship, well, should I say, the reason I stopped conversing with her, was as follows… Imagine a boy sleeping on the hospital floor every night, to help his girlfriend walk when she needed to, while on the side he was seeing my friend. It went on for a year before it clicked that she wasn’t someone I wanted to know anymore. Last I heard, nothing’s changed. It’s been two years.
While in Thailand, I travelled with a girl who had a boyfriend, and a boy who had a girlfriend. They had a past love affair, it was over now, they were happily with other people, and able to retain their friendship with each other. Or so I thought. I woke up to my naivety the night we all drunk a little too much, as I walked away from them a few moments after I saw them pull close to each other, and break more than just my trust, and the trust of their unknowing lovers. I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination, I guess they deserve some privacy.
I could go on with stories, how I’ve seen it happen while in Europe, whispered words, and hushed promises, how did things get this way? We lost ourselves, our innocence and dignity, and in no way am I completely innocent here either.
I’ve been warned about writing too much detail on my blog, but you know what, fuck it, fuck you, this is MY blog, my release, and if you don’t like it, it doesn’t matter because I can’t hear you anyway. This is not a talk back radio station. I broke a couple up once. I could defend myself with proof that they were slowly coming to an end, I was just a catalyst, fastening up what was inevitable, it doesn’t matter. I still did something wrong, and as much as I should regret it, I live life with no regrets. This is my promise from now on.
• No relationships. 1. Until I’m happy with myself, and with another. 2. Until I’ve lived my life for myself to the full extent, working hard, playing hard, traveling, partying, living it up, drinking it down. 3. Until when asked I can say “yes”. And actually mean it.
• I will not cheat, I will not be cheated on, I will not cheat with someone.
• I devised a three year plan for myself last night. It’s the first time I can remember, having some sort of direction and plan where I’m going. I’ll post it in the next week.