To the girl who I’ve never grown apart from even if I never see her,
Dear Avalon my Sunshine,
I still have all the letters you wrote me in a box hidden somewhere. All, except one. This one I keep stuck to my bedroom door, positioned at eye level, so every day, when I leave my chamber, I read your words before I enter the world. I’ve never told you, and I surely never will, but you are what gets me through each day.
Jessica Jayne Cleverley I liked your letter a lot. Occasionally I dig out my letters from you and read them and they always make me smile. Even if you’re writing about sad things, I still smile because I know that you’ll pull through it. No matter what has ever happened to you, you have always come out, and even if it will forever haunt you, you made it Jess. Many people don’t. That’s what I love about you. You’re so strong and you don’t even know it. You’ll probably even say you’re not, but you are. And I know you will get somewhere, believe in yourself. And whatever it is, you’ll work your way right up to the top. And I will help you, I promise.
Remember I’m always here for you to talk to. And if it seems like I don’t care because I don’t come and see what’s up it’s because I don’t want to invade. But I still care, and it’s better if you come to me instead of me harassing you. Don’t forget I will always love you :) Even when you get married the priest will be like “You may kiss the bride” and then I’ll be like “I object! She’s mine!” Haha. And you will get married Jess. You will not be played and used all your life. I’ll see to it personally. One day someone will come, someone who doesn’t live far away, doesn’t have a girlfriend/wife, someone who has decent self esteem, someone who doesn’t just use you for your body. Someone who will love and bond with you mentally, accept you for who you are deep inside, your beautifulness and the physical side of things will just be a bonus. There is someone, and in due course they will be found. But first build a life for yourself Rainbow. Achieve everything you possibly can and don’t ever let anyone tell you different, or take anything away from you. You may have fucked up in some things, but you have your whole life ahead of you. A very long time, time to fix things and learn new things. But now I gotta go. Remember I’m here, and I mean that. I love you Rainbow x ∞
Those last six sentences are what I have lived by since I received this letter two years ago. This letter, those words, Avalon Pickering, you, have changed my life.
So tonight when I finally succumbed to the latest facebook craze of updating my status as: “Like this status and I will tell you something I like about you, dislike about you, and my first impression of you.” as the names started appearing, one stood out to me the most. And as I started forming the words into sentences and emotion it dawned on me just how special you are to me.
So I’m writing yours first, because out of everyone who’s clicked that like button, I like you the most. But that’s not your like. There’s so much about you I like, I’m going to start with dislike. I dislike how good to me you are. Read this next sentence and you’ll understand. You are so good to me, you always have been, and I wish that I could live up to that; your big heart and true genuinity. But I don’t think anyone ever could, because you are one of a kind my Sunshine.
I remember all those years ago I was actually intimidated by you, because even then I could tell you were someone special, even though we didn’t become closer until a couple of years later. I knew you were intelligent, and hilarious by the way you had everyone around you in hysterics, and you had this natural beauty about you, I wish you could see.
There is so much I like about you, but that’s not the word I would use. Admire, respect, love. Amazing is an understatement, I like that you are no one else but simply yourself, amongst dozens of girls trying being everything but who they really are.
Never change Sunshine, you don’t just light up my world, you light up the world of everyone lucky enough to be in your life.
I want you to know that I meant every word, no, I meant more than words could express, I will always be here for you even if we don’t see eachother as often as I would like,
and remember, you’ve changed my life for the better, no one else Av, it was you, and you alone.
So it’s been nearly three weeks. This has been the longest I’ve gone without medication.
I’m just waiting for the day I finally crash, it’s on the fringe of my consciousness, but surprisingly… and I mean, this is a revelation to me, despite the couple of ghastly days I’ve had, I’ve haven’t felt this good in a long time. I’m not numb anymore. But I’m still trying to figure out if that’s good or bad. Cmon Jess, you know better. Nothing is ever good or bad, thinking just makes it so.
Just like he predicted; balance has been restored in my life. Nearly.
I am the bridge jumping friend your parents warned you about.
Always turned around on me, I think as I lie here, trying to fight the cold. Stop fucking yelling at me. You’re the reason why I don’t talk, it’s all bottled up. But you know, I don’t release it like you do. You think this is why I write, to release, shit, you have no idea how worse this makes it.
I don’t smash things, or people. I don’t drink till I forget, I don’t turn to others for momentary happiness. I don’t release. I know how to, that’s where we differ, but I’m so far up now, even death doesn’t deserve me.
Lying here now, I don’t just hate myself tonight, I hate everyone and everything I know. I would apologize in advance for what you are about to read, but I don’t really care, so I’ll spare you the lies.
Where were you? I go out of my way to help every single one of you, calming you down at all hours of the day and night, when you unexpectedly call me, unexpectedly rock up at my house, and you know I’m sick to death of being your medicine, because I keep catching your disease.
I got a call from someone I used to know, three nights ago now, he wasn’t in a very good state… there’s an euphemism for you… so at 2am I got dressed in the freezing cold and met him down at the beach. And as we sat at the end of the jetty, watching the waves crash against the rocks and the bright lights from the ships in the distance, I become somewhat aware that’s what life is like. Your life may be crashing against rocks, but look up, and see the lights in the distance. I did my work, without him even realising, got him talking about things to look forward to and all the good things he has in his life. In return I got bullshit after bullshit about “what I mean to him”. And for anyone who’s shaking their head in disagreement at the previous sentence, I know the truth, I know it’s all lies, you weren’t there so don’t try and assume you know my life better than I do because 1 about half of you reading this have never met me and 2 the half that have really know nothing about me anyway, only the fake smile, or smiling depression as they call it. I called him out on his own bullshit every time then watched the deception in his face as he lied to me further that he was telling the truth. Kind of funny how it’s all the same in the end. Actually, it’s far from funny, it’s dismal, disheartening and a little poignant, but hey, who really gives a fuck?
I remember one night I came close to opening up. I couldn’t deal with my own company, so I drove and drove, music blasting so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. I wound up an hour later walking up my best friend’s driveway. That’s a first. We drove to my favourite spot, overlooking the city, I explained I didn’t want to talk about anything, I just wanted to hear the sound of her voice, and feel my own pulsations to remind myself I’m alive, no matter how numb I feel. I gave her my ipod, as I always do when someone’s in my car, but tonight I asked not to pick any sad songs. I wasn’t in any state to feel the heartbreak and relate to it like I always seem to. One brilliant, happy song passed, then it was all “This isn’t a happy song, but it is good.” Again, and again and again. I remember I felt like going off road the whole time I drove her back home. I got home feeling worse than I’d left. See? What’s the point in saying anything, people may listen but they don’t really hear you, do they?
This is the most personal thing I have published for public eyes to see. Notice for once I haven’t edited it all to third person, so subconsciously you’re relating to every sentence you read. Fuck you. Why can’t you read something for once and feel my pain, not your own, you selfish motherfucker.
Fucks sake Jess, stop taking yourself so seriously. No one else does.