I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy And being caught in between all you wish for, and all you’ve seen And trying to find anything you can feel, that you can believe in
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes 'Cause when you showed me myself, I became someone else But I was caught in between all you wish for, and all you need
I picture you fast asleep A nightmare comes. You can’t keep awake.
I don’t know anymore What it’s for I’m not even sure If there is anyone who is in the sun Will you help me to understand?
'Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for, and all I need Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for Any more than me
Most days, I don’t think of you. I go through the day unaware of your existence in the universe, filling the familiar aches with books and loud music and jogs and new faces. My brain is smart and tries to fool me for a while. For a minute, it almost seems as if you never happened at all, until the tiniest thing sets me off. Memory is a cruel thing and sharpest when it needs not be. Even as I sit here writing, I can feel my heart sinking a little further, as I reminisce with nostalgia over years of memories. My head pounds. My heart throbs. And my eyes are crying for yours.
“Everything that comes out of his mouth makes perfect sense. He will tell it how it is, and I don’t think he cares if it’s not what you want to hear. I know his past, he knows mine. He knows me so well, he knows me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what to say, exactly how to act, and he knows exactly how I feel. About everything. He tells me my own feelings and outlook on certain situations. And he’s right. Word for word. He is the one person I have no secrets from. His name is Reece Bacon, he is my best friend, and nothing will ever change that.” I wrote the above in March 2009.
I miss this, and I miss you. I can’t finish a sentence without closing my eyes to hold back the tears, while the flashbacks take over. I still remember the look on your face, every time you walked through the arrivals gate. I’d jump on you. You’d catch me. Drinking jelly shots at 9am, all the walks to the beach, all the talks we had, trying to figure the world out. I’ve never had someone call me every day, just to see how my day is. We lived an hour’s drive from each other. I remember the time you surprised me on my break at work. You’d lost your licence; you drove illegally all that way, just to spend thirty minutes with me, because I was having a bad day.
Remember the time I came with you to court? That was the day we got those shells. I still have mine stuck on my bedroom door. There are still bits of you everywhere around my room. You were there at times when I needed you the most, without me saying anything. You supported me immensely through every court trial, every police interview, and every hospital visit. You were there for me, when no one else was.
The time I pretended to fall asleep to see what you would do. You pulled the blanket over me and kissed me on my forehead. I’ve never been so warm in my life. We saw each other be, or at least think, we were in love with other people. But as those relationships faded away, you were always the one that stuck around. I want to thank you for that, even now. I never wanted to lose you from my life.
Remember all the drunken adventures we had? The times we’d camp out in my car at the Zig Zag? Remember the quarry we found? I still go there all the time. It’s my solitude. I sit on the edge of the cliffs, even though I know you wouldn’t approve. I look out at the lights, and know you’re out there somewhere. I wonder how you are, if you’re happy, if you’re doing all the things you dreamed of. I know you will. You can do anything, I never stopped believing that.
Remember the time I shot you in the ass with a paintball gun? That’s how my heart felt, for a long time. Now there’s just a hole inside me.
As I said, you were my best friend. And you walked away from that in a night. Do you remember how you felt when you knocked on my door the next morning? I wouldn’t let you inside. We walked to the beach, the same one we’d ventured so many times before, but I knew, this time it was different. This wasn’t going to happen again. I gave you that letter. You looked at me with alien eyes and waited for me to say what you wanted to hear. I didn’t. I told you the truth. Like air bubbles trapped in cement, the decisions we make in a moment can haunt us for the rest of our lives. I will never forget you.
“I know you're not here, I can see it in your eyes when we talk. Where ever you are, come back soon.”
Head spins have been replaced with heart sinks, as your warmth has been replaced by the frost. The uncertainty has found your switch, and turned off the light. I miss how it used to shine from your eyes, and I wish I knew how to mend this short circuit. It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream, you know, the one when you are falling, and you want to desperately to wake up before you hit the ground, but it’s all out of your control, you can’t trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of this whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break me like that again.
When I can’t handle things, I sleep. I sleep off pain and I sleep off anger. The tears can’t escape if my eyes are closed. And being in a still, dark environment reminds me of the end I’ve been waiting for. As the sun rises, a new day begins. The stars are no longer in sight and the glimmer of hope is gone. I wonder at the mystery of life and how much of it can possibly remain. I wonder at pain and hurt and love and time and how much of each I have held.
I keep turning you into writing, trying to rid you from my skin. As long as I’ve known, it’s been chasing me, and now it’s here, it’s strong enough to break through. And I can’t fight this, I used to be able to but now I can’t, I’m too fragile. Because I can miss every phone call, ignore every attempt to reconnect, but when I close my eyes, you’re still there, with me, at the place we once knew so well. And I can fool my head that you’re nothing to me, but my heart knows better.
I’m back to where I was three years ago, but so are you. Honestly, all I want to do right now is fall to the ground and weep. Get this thing out. I want it out. I want out. I want you. Until I have you, then I find myself running, just like every time before. I want to be free once again, but there’s something inhibiting me, and it’s bursting from my every pore. I can’t handle this for much longer. Just hold me, I promise for tonight only. Fool me, tell me that everything is going to be okay, even though I know it won’t be. And then I’ll go, leave before you do.
Dear future you. Hold on. Please. Dear current you. I’m holding on. But it hurts. Dear past you. I held on. Thankyou. What does it matter anyway? It’s just another name crossed off the list. By the time you read this, I’ll be fine.
I never gave a reason of why I didn’t call And now I’ve grown so tired of lying to myself It cannot go unsaid I regret what they know Don’t think it’s all been a waste of time
Are you better off alone? I regret what was said I deny what they know Are we better off alone? Than lying to ourselves? Who cares what they’ve said. Who cares what they know
But this is the end We’re better off alone I don’t care what you’ve said, I don’t care what I know Don’t say it’s all been a waste of time
It can not go unsaid I only want you to know I think it’s all going to work out fine
Even when we were together, I knew, we’re better off alone. It can’t go unsaid any longer… I think it’s all going to work out fine. But then this song comes on, and I’m back to where I was four years ago, and I wonder… Are we better off alone?
He broke her jaw. She was raped last Friday. She lost her virginity to a rapist. So did she. She has cancer. She’s having an affair. With the boss. He’s not in love with her. He’s in love with his ex, the one he still see’s in secret. She steals from work. She loves her best friends fiance. She’s evading the tax system. He got her pregnant. Her boyfriend paid for it. She is bulimic. He still loves her. She’s had two abortions. He hit his girlfriend. And he still does. She never knew who the father was. He got a hooker. Her dad sexually assulted her and her sister. She was three. She gave her cousin oral sex. She had an abortion. She slept with Drapht. She has cheated in every relationship she’s been in. So has he. She’s lying to her daughter about who her father is. Her sister’s boyfriend raped her. Repeatedly. She used to shoot up. Everyday. He still does. She miscarried. He’s been sleeping with his ex girlfriend the past year. While he sleeps on the hospital floor each night to help his girlfriend walk. She doesn’t know his name.