"Can I just say something? I’m sorry. I know I’m being a cunt, that I can’t call you anymore. Everytime your name is mentioned it causes the biggest fight in my relationship, it goes on for days. I know I’m choosing hoes over bros, but I’m in love… And I’m sorry."
Lie better next time.
I’m back at square on. My mouth is dry and my eyes are full of tears. Two well deserved apologies tonight, neither show any worth. Yeah, the hardest thing is to walk away, but if your words meant anything, anything at all, you’d walk the talk. But you won’t, and you never will.
Mind takes control as my fingers move without thought. The next morning I never have any recollection of what these words mean, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to make sense, nothing ever does. As long as I capture a feeling before the moment passes. The future doesn’t always have to understand the past.
This is a collection of my word vomit from the past month.
I write things in here to find later. Dear future self, you’re over it now aren’t you. Unaffected by his chivalry and charismatic attire. You don’t lose yourself in his eyes. Not anymore. They’ve changed. They don’t smile anymore, I don’t like what I see in them. I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. Don’t take it personally. Even though it is. You’re here now because you’re lonely, but where were you when I actually needed you?
There is no reason. And if you have one, I can’t hear you anyway because this is where I blog, not a talkback radio show. God I told you. Do not kiss and tell. Sure, the initial attention is great, but it’s short lived. In the long term, no one will join with you condemning her, you will be the one left abandoned. Make “no” your new favourite word. Yes, this two letter word is imperative. By the time you finish reading this you’ll want to. It’s the sharp inhalation that comes just before her tears, the one that tugs at her bottom lip, that ruins me. I want out. I’m tired of telling myself that this too shall pass. Someone pinch me. Note to self: Don’t do this, ever again. Hey, remember that time I woke you up like p diddy? Lie better next time.
And every so often we forget who we are. Sometimes we have to lose ourselves to really find ourselves. The door you broke, it’s fixed now. So am I. Maybe I like it up here, because you’re small and insignificant. Girls don’t get dressed up for guys. We wouldn’t wear anything if so. We get dressed up for other girls. Look at any female in this line, now look where her eyes are directed. Yep, point proven.
Do you know why the wedding ring is placed on the fourth finger from the thumb on the left hand... It is because it is the only finger that has a vein that is directly connected to our heart.
A lady came into work today. She has the most beautiful ring on her finger. It happened last night. My heart pounds in my chest, and my mind starts racing, but I am not smiling. I shake my head to clear it, and start cleaning something that doesn’t need to be cleaned, but still, my thoughts go back to you and how last night was the last time.
Each exhale gently breathing all that you are into me, each inhalation taking in all that I am. So tell me, are you out of breathe now?
They say it's always a little different once you say it out loud. You are the only exception. I miss you.
You:Jess, so often do I sit infront of my phone with a blank message addressed to you. I can never think of something to say. I never really understood it till now. Even when we are together we don't speak. Sending you a blank message would probably be the most appropriate thing to do. Miss you lots.
You talk about your life like I should be inspired or something. Believe me, the only inspiration you give was for this writing.
There comes a point in all our lives when everything starts to fall apart. The puzzle of life starts to fall apart before us, and before you know it, you’re left standing there with only a memory of the things that made you smile. We question why bad things are happening to us. After all, we’re good people. Right? I am yet to meet someone who doesn’t think they are a good person. Even the world’s most notorious leaders thought they were doing the right thing, however they justified their actions in their own minds. I wonder how you do it. Karma has a way of getting back to us in the most unexpected ways. As that life puzzle starts to disintegrate before our eyes, things change; new pieces appear, changing the picture, changing our lives, for the better, for the worse, for however we choose to perceive it.
The world is a looking glass. It gives back to you a true reflection of your own thoughts. Rule your mind or it will rule you.
People always ask why bad things happen. I don’t need to question you. Your failure to ever look me in the eye is like a tiny ice pick chipping away at me from the bottom up. With every chip I feel myself shrinking lower and lower into the ground. I find comfort in knowing you are no longer here to bring me down.
I spent my formative years watching people while they lied to, cheated on, and betrayed each other. You question why I have a lifelong single status, I question why you don’t. Someone explain to me what the fucking point is in being with someone, just for the sake of being with them? What the reasoning is behind staying with something that’s not good, just because it’s something? You need it to validate yourself. That’s where we differ. You’re a perfect example of the desperation I see all around me, people trying to find a cure for their loneliness, only to feed it more by spreading the disease. Pretty much the physical embodiment of all things I loathe.
So I’m walking away now, and I’m thinking. There’s a young couple ahead of me. They look happy. From a distance anyway. Most people do, until you walk closer into their world and discover they are just like the rest. My feet are bringing me closer as I see her discomfort. Pain even. I’ve approached at the wrong time. She’s screaming at him, something about him being her biggest mistake, blah blah blah. I give it an hour and he’ll have mumbled a few lines that’ll have satisfied her. For now anyway.
Moving on, no time for past stories. Something else has grabbed my attention. The leaves dancing and chasing each other in the parking lot, dodging cars and flying up into the air, then swirling back down. Leaves are a lot like people I think. At least walking along watching them here I feel I’m learning a lot more about the world than I will be in a few hours, ruining the brain cells I bothered to educate so darn well. Sometimes a car goes past near a pile of freshly raked leaves. The force of the car pushes some of them along with it flying, following the car, until they spin away in the own directions. I see this happen with people too. Someone seems to scoop a person up as they pass by, they become a part of them for a while, but they can’t keep them forever. Eventually they have to be alone.
So that’s why I don’t blame you for where I am today. I just got scooped up in you for a while, and that’s how life is. It’s okay. I mean, no, obviously it’s not okay, but it’s how it is. We’ve had the chance to say that about a lot of things for a long time now, haven’t we? It’s not okay; it’s just how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free. Truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable, and nothing makes any sense.
I know you didn’t mean it Sit back, relax. Sit back, relapse again Upside down and inside out No, I don’t believe you. I watched you dress, kiss and tell Don’t make this easy, I want you to mean it. Memories that fade like photographs Silence reveals where we really are This empty space Do you miss the way the world was spinning for us? The silence will set you free.
Remember the day you told me this song reminded me of you? I haven’t stopped listening to it tonight. It’s been three months and you haven’t crossed my mind. Tonight, for whatever reason, is the exception.
There’s a four page letter I wrote for you last year in my diary. It doesn’t even begin to explain our story, and I have no intention of showing you, of letting you become part of life as I now know it. Maybe one day, years from now we’ll have an awkward meeting, and maybe we’ll let our minds take us back to the night we once lost them so well. Either way, it doesn’t matter. You were a huge chapter in my story, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t miss you, but I hope you’re well.
Waiting for a knock coming way too late, I know there’s something in the air, I hope that time hasn’t changed you.
I found this on a scrunched piece of paper on my floor.
I used to draw monobrows and moustaches on the half naked girls hung on your wall. You’d laugh and appreciated that I left the hottest ones be. You’d watch twilight with me, then we’d pass out to a game of truth or dare drinking American Honey. We’d steal eggs from your dads chicken farm, and run away with them in our shirts. They broke all over me, but it didn’t matter. I still remember the look on your face, everytime you walked through the arrivals gate. I’d jump on you, and you’d catch me. Everytime I needed you, you’d be there for me without question. And since we’ve stopped talking, I admit I’ve gone off the rails. Most nights become a blur, I wake up in a new place with new faces, get through the day, and do it all over. But its okay baby, nothing was meant to be. This too shall pass.
The feeling of getting over someone is like coming up from underwater. You’re restricted and nervous and can’t really breathe, but when you break the surface and gasp for a breath of fresh air, it’s like everything goes away. Six months on, you’re nothing.