Last time I saw him I was about to travel Europe solo. This time, I have no idea what I’m doing, where I’m going, but what I do know is this: I am happy.
I think I’m finally getting better. Of course, life is a rollercoaster ride, and there will be testing times we find ourselves swung around inbetween the ups and downs, but as long as you’re looking up, with a sense that the bad times won’t last forever, make the most of what you’ve got. We only live once, right?
I have a chemical inbalance in my brain, which means that even if everything is going well in my life, I can still become victim to those seemingly endless, dark days. He told me there are triggers in life that could take me back to those days, and that I should remove myself from them. All I could think of was you.
"Sometimes you can’t remain friends with people in your life, because they hold you back from moving forward with your journey."
They say the worst part is feeling like there’s something left behind. I don’t think there is anything there, because I never really opened myself up to you, I never gave you any part of me. And maybe this all did happen for a reason, but it’s all over now, isn’t it? Just like he said, the worst is over now. This, is over.
Love. Sex. Death. Fear. Obsession. Just like life.
I have permanent dark rings under my eyes, from my nights like these. I lay sleepless, choosing not to seclude myself to the nightmares that keep me tainted. Take a hot shower, try and rid this feeling from me, like poison, I try and release the toxins slowly killing me from the inside. Smoke fogs the mirror, I write the word help in the steam then quickly smudge it away. I smile to myself, something else catches my eye. Words I wrote on my mirror a long time ago, to remind myself every day, “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” My mind starts working overdrive, and I wonder why it is I suffer this philophobia, why I distance myself from you. We live and learn, right? Heck, sometimes we even love, we make mistakes, we make them again, we fight, we fuck, we kiss, we make up, we lie, we cheat, we steal, and we wonder why our lives led us to this point. I got a weird sense of nostalgia the other day. I remembered the time I told you I didn’t want to talk. Usually people get the point and shut up by the time it’s verbally established, but you, you fought me on it. I told you I have a lot of problems, but they belong to me, not you. You looked at me, and simply replied I was wrong. I think they’re mine, but they’re not. Everybody that walks through my door becomes a part of that, everybody that comes in contact with me. You told me you didn’t want to be part of my problem, but you are. I had an effect on your life, and it doesn’t matter what happened in the past, we’re here now, even if this wasn’t supposed to happen, it did. I need to book another appointment with my doctor, but lately I’ve felt so stupid talking about my little problems, while kids starve in Africa. Until your voice rings in my mind, “Not talking won’t feed the hungry.”
And I can’t help others unless I help myself first.
People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. I beg to differ. It isn't always that easy.
There is no cure, no acceptance, no understanding, and no answer. Textbooks can only tell you so much, and unless you have lived it, it is near impossible to judge from the outside. It is suffering; self-inflicted; self-hatred bundled up with an enormous amount of emotional energy. That small explanation is just the tip of the iceberg in trying to explain.
And even then, this isn’t something I’ve lived through, this is your story.
What I do know, is how tiring it is trying to show people from the outside that you are suffering, almost as tiring as it is pretending you aren’t. At times the exhaustion is overwhelming, giving up and giving in are more attractive than the one thing you’re slowly learning; growing stronger. How can you explain that your mind is an enemy and a best friend to yourself? There is no rationality in the behavior, and no rationality in the mind.
There are too many questions, and not enough answers. If you don’t control the need, it will control you. You don’t know if the worlds spinning around you, or if it’s spinning inside your head. Time slows down. Hours become seconds, and seconds become hours. Thoughts are consuming your mind, everything’s going too fast, it’s as if your body is stoned while your minds ticking a thousand miles an hour. The one thing that’s killing you, is the thing that’s keeping you alive. Just like chemo.
“I need some time to find myself, be myself. But I can’t allow myself to be by myself.”