I am young, though, you can’t forget that when you think about me and us and what I’ve said and done, and how I’ve fucked it all up, how I’ve sunken my claws into you and closed my eyes and covered my ears and waited to be shaken off, ignoring you, ignoring everything, I don’t want to know, don’t tell me, don’t show me these things.
Who said I wanted to be part of this haunted adult world that you are trapped in? Did I say that? Did I imply that when we pushed things too far and I gave away everything? Did I imply that when I gulped down alcohol, poison, and smoked those things, and did those things? Because I’d like to take that back, I’d like to be nothing again, something light and pure and something young.
I am young, you can’t forget that, and so what, I’ve fucked it all up, haven’t I? I’ll probably do it again, but don’t bring me into your world, I am young, I am just testing limits, isn’t that what they call it? Sorry, sorry I’ve fucked it all up, sorry I saw those things and did those things, none of that can be taken back, but I’d like to not be part of this world anymore, where everything is real, because you have to remember that I am young, and it’s not supposed to be real yet.
Drifting in and out of consciousness, my mind is taking over.
I’m remembering the person you used to be,
The best days
The way your smile had truth behind it, and your voice changed when you whispered those three words.
My mind blacks out, just as the sky darkened,
ending those days
A new morning comes,
Different times, different memories
I’m conscious again
I’m here, though I’m not
you’re speaking such pretty words
but in moments of sanity, I know
every sugar coated word escaping those faultless lips is a contradiction, a struggle,
a lie of who you were.
Everything you said made sense
Within the fissures and neurons of my head, there was something missing
I was doing a jigsaw but I couldn’t distinguish the bigger picture
You handed me the missing pieces, allowing me to see with clarity
But your answers were fake, and now all I’m left with is misrepresentation and deception.
That picture is trapped in my head, truth and fiction interchangeable
Things just happened for no reason, and nothing made any sense.
so tell me, why is there still something missing?
Breathe dirt, sip your poison, talk trash, slam doors, spit on the pavement, fuck every person that’s willing, drive recklessly, skip work, inject your veins, lose your manners, punch walls, harm everyone around you, don’t shower, forget to sleep, cut your skin, starve yourself, snort whatever you can get your hands on, laugh in people’s faces, believe the lies, bleach your hair, rot your teeth, get naked, deprive yourself.
But don’t touch me ever again.
You said once, when I was young, that I was like a wild horse, and that they are the most loyal when broken. How did that work out for you? See, that’s where you differ from him. He didn’t have to break me in order to earn my loyalty, he just had to love me. And he has accomplished that in a fraction of the time that I ever wasted on you.